It was mentioned *cough* Brent *cough* that a sticky should be made for jokes, so I made one.Â* Post em up people.Â*

Thread rules:

-No dirty jokes as this a family friendly forum
-No vulgarity - please replace some letters with ***
-No racial jokes
-Only funny jokes are allowed - j/k

Definately... Keep those hundreds of joke posts from recurring.



A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to he door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....



"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and is met by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......


He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
(scroll down)


























GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!











[hr]




This one may be pushing the boundary.....


A calvery sargent was captured by the indians. The chief said, " I'll give you one last request before we burn you at the stake." The sargent said, " I'd like to speak to my horse". His wish granted, he whispered in the horses ear and the horse ran off. About and hour later, the horse showed up with a red headed saloon girl on his back. The sargent said, "I need to talk to my horse again". He again whipered in the horses ear. The horse ran off again. In about an hour he showed back up with a blonde saloon girl. The sargent said I need to talk to my horse again. He again whipered in the horses ear, and the horse ran off once more. In about an hour the horse showed back up, this time with a brunette saloon gir on his back. The sargent asked the chief if he could speek with his horse one more time. the chief said O.K. The sargent pulled the horses face down in front of him and said.
"Read my lips, get me a P...O...S...S...E...Y!!!"

-- Indian Winter --

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy." [/align]

Those are great jokes, Brent...made me laugh!

This one got me too! Don't know if its new or old, but it was new to me and yeah, this kinda pushes the line a bit...

On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."

This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God, that was even tighter"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

Hope no one was listening at the door on our wedding night! LMAO... That's kind of creepy...

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began with unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities such as: Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 and Golf 7.5
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please HELP!!
Thanks,
A Troubled User


---------- REPLY ----------


Dear Troubled User:
This is a very, very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I also suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! It comes with several support programs, such as: Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs; improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend: Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and especially Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
[/align]

Hahahhhhhha..

I lol'd at all of those! I like the wedding night and the wife 1.0 the best :D

LMAO!!!![sm=happybounce.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif] That is funny!!!!



Got a couple of Q&A jokes you may have heardsome of them. Some of them are silly.


[hr]

Q:How do you get a one armed Blonde out of a tree?

A:You wave at her!

[hr]

Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stamping out small grass fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks!!!

[hr]

What do you call a 300 lb. Hawaiian?

Anorexic!!!

[hr]




Heres a good oldie. Granny still tells this one.


Aboy is setting on the curb in front of a church shakeing a small bottle ofPinee watching it fizz.

A priest walks up and says "what do you have there son?

the boy answers "father this is the most powerfullest liquid in the world"

To this the preist replyed, "Is it holy water? For holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. If you place a drop of holy water on an expectant mothers belly she will pass a child.

Theboy grins up at the preist."Father, thats nothin' this is Pinee, if you put a drop of this on a cats a$$ he'll pass a motorcycle"

Who did they find in Jeffery Dahmer's freezer?

Ben & Jerry

What did they find in his bathtub?

Head & Shoulders

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog

Why does Michael Jackson like K-Mart so much?

Cause little boys pants are always half off

Oldies but goodies....!

Q: What did the fish say when he hit the brick wall?
A: Dam!

Q: What did one hat say to the other hat?
A: You stay here, I'm going on a head.

How does hitler tie his shoes?

In little NAZIS!!

[sm=groupwave.gif]HAHAHAHA!!!!



HOW DO YOU KEEP A MORON IN SUSPENSE?!?! (scroll down)
















































.

Ok here's my contribution.

Q: What's a priest's favorite type of meat?






A: Nun

Everyone has a preist joke, LOL

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

Have a great day! And, 'woo woo'!!!

ORIGINAL: Zasder


Have a great day! And, 'woo woo'!!!

i hope you were not shaking your wiener when you said that, watching your chicken dance is bad enough, we dont need you shaking it at us too

WOOOOOO WOOOOO:D

I got plenty more I could add, but then I might be banned. >.>

One boob said to the other:

"If we don't get some support around here we're going to go NUTS!!!

Wahhhahahahahahah!!!![sm=funnypostabove.gif]


Got a couple of good camel jokes:

While in Egypt, I came upon the opportunity to go for a week long camel ride. The guy at the "Rent a Camel" place told me not to forget to "Brick" the camel every 3 days.
"What do you mean, "Brick" the camel?", I asked. He says, "when the camel is getting a drink of water, you smash his balls between two bricks, this causes him to inhale the water very deeply and thus fills both humps." "Well, doesn't this hurt?", I replied. He said, "no, not as long as you keep your fingers out from between the bricks."



Three big burly stupidSudanese guys rode into Cairo one day on asingle cameland were giving the people of the city a hard time. As they rode out of town, word spread to the nearest village that the three men were coming. As they rode into the neighboring village, an old guy walked outside and shouted for everyone to hear"Looktheres the one camel with threea$$holes!!!". The three guys, not being very bright, jumped off the camel and promptly lifted the camel's tail an looked all over the camel's backside.
"I only see one...."





Heres a couple of jokes concerning monkeys in a bar:

A guy walks intoa bar after a hard day at work. He orders a beer and listens to the saloon pianist playing a familiar tune. Suddenly, out of nowhere a monkey jumps off the piano, onto the bar. The patron isn't concerned with the monkey right away. He turns to stare at a pretty woman in the opposite corner. As soon as he turns back, he finds himself face-to-face with the monkey, who is standing over his mug of beer teabaggin it. The patron shoes the monkey away, the monkey returns to his seat upon the piano. The pissed-off patron promptly walks ove to the pianist and says "SIR!DO YOU KNOWYOUR MONKEY JUST DROPPED HIS GENITALS IN MY BEER?!?!?" To which the pianist replied, "No, but if you hum a few bars of it, I may can play it.":D




A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

I can't stop laughing LOL!!!

A man goes to the doctor and says doc, i have a problem, but you have to promise not to laugh. the doctor says to the patient, i promis i wont laugh, im a profesional. The man says okay and drops his pants and underware. The doctor sees that he has the smallest .... he has ever seen, somewhere close to the size of a AA battery. the doctor fights to hold back his laughter but he cant, he bursts out laughing. he finally pulls himself together and says "im so sorry, that never happens, so what is the problem sir?" and the patient replies, "its swolen"

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon.
As the woman was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, she said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[sm=funnypostabove.gif] wow, that is just great...

A guy went over to his aging parents house one afternoon and found his father sitting in a rocker in the front yard with no pants on. The guy says "Dad what are you doing sitting here with no pants in front yard?" the old man said "Yesterday I was sitting here with no shirt on and and my neck got stiff, this was your mothers idea."

why children shouldnt witness birth,,

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place.....smack his ass again!"

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned
on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered
their pet Parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the
local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrives and the couple opened the front door to leave their
house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the
house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the
husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in
hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to
know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the
driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs
to say good-bye to my mother"

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She
tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I
hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,
they don'tsell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying thestuff from this store on a regular basis and would like
some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."

"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it"

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist

who looksat it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of
underarm deodorant."



annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads

out loud fromthe container ..



"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."


The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."


Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."


The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"


The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!" [/align]

Came across another good one:


HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was
hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside

^^^^^^[sm=icon_rofl.gif]

thats a god one brent, my family loved that one because we got a new alarm a few monthes ago and its been nothing but problems. i told them we should try your's

Thanks. It was one of those e-mail jokes that come by every once in a while.


Here one I got at the turn of the year....

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008

#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#8 Men have two emotions:Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.

#6 Some people are like a Slinky . Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.

#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The #1 Thought For 2008 :
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of IMMIGRATION and NATIONAL SECURITY!






Confucious say:
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow."

Confucius say jokes-

• Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent
• Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left
• Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts
• Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants

• Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired
• Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted

I got a fortune cookie today at panda express and it reads:
You will be hungry in 1 hour!! I got to tell you that is the first time one of those cookies told the truth!!! LOL

haha, ain't that the truth.

Confucious say...man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly fingers!
Confucious say...man who sit on top of mountain with mouth open waiting for roast duck to fly in mouth, wait long time!

LOL yea that fortune cookie told the truth!! I usually get ones that say" bad cookie no fortune try again" , that one weirded me out a little bit!!

First off, I apologize to any cops on here:D


NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK inTexas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Peep show:

local://upfiles/5437/F7707D5ED9124E67847078881D83D669.jpg

A guy is walking home late one night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars" she whispers...
He had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a suddon a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife" the man replies sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."
"well neither did I, Til you shined the light in her face!" exclaimed the man.

A United States Marine was attending some college courses betweenassignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and amember of the ACLU.One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked tothe ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want youto knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minuteswent by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm stillwaiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marinegot out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The otherstudents were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on insilence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy todayprotecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to saystupid **** and act like an asshole. So, He sent me.

A woman was having an affair on her husband when she heard a car pull up in the driveway.

"My husbands home! Quick, HIDE!!!"

The man scurried around the bedroom for somewhere to hide. The closet was too small and he couldn't hide in the bathroom because the husband might need to use it. So, in a last minute desperation, the wife covered him in powder and stood him in the corner of the room. Exhausted, the husband came home, threw his shoes off, and layed down in bed to take a nap. He got up in the middle of the night to get a bite to eat. He made his way down to the kitchen, found some food, and went back to the bedroom where the man was still standing in the corner covered in powder. The husband walked into the bedroom and put a sandwich in the mans hands and said "I was standing like that over at the Millers the other night and you think the a**hole would give me something to eat".

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.

TheMarine did what any squared awaymarine would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers !
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one ... are you?




Ohno-Second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Pullin out the stops on the little johnny jokes


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."








Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."







The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

I've heard all of those before, but it doesn't mean I didn't laugh at each of them again. The last one is priceless!!

I love the little Johnny jokes. It just that a select few are clean enough to post!!!

One other forum I know has a "Pics that make you lol" thread
I havn't found one here, but I think it's a good idea
just post stupid/funny(little distinction) pictures

I think you should be able to post pics in this thread as well... if they are funny.
I got this on in an e-mail my aunt sent me:
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/iguessishou128391036785156250.jpg


And


I have another joke.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from
the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in
all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened
for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets
worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against
the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !"


His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

"CELEBRATE !!!






And another joke:





A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new
country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands
up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased
with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run
will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a
walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A
friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to
run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with
pr-r-ride!"

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after
nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'.
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart,' 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No,' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! I n Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

I get too many e-mails....

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"





A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.
One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

I lol'd at the last two posts!! Good ones!

Q: Whats the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

A: A northern fairy tale starts out "once upon a time", a southern fairy tale starts out " y'all aint gunna believe this sh**"

Q: What do blondes and screen doors both have in common?


A: they both get loose after a while...

i dont know if this is a joke but it is kinda creepy and intertaining at the same time.

two sisters went to their mothers funeral wile there the one sister saw the most handsom man she had ever laid eyes on. She had never seen this man before and knew nothing about him. unfortunatly she never asked anyone about him never talked to him and never even made eye contact with him. Two weeks later the one sister killed the other sister. What was her motive? scroll down for answer.




















the sister was hoping the man would come to her sisters funeral seeing as he went to the mothers. Now in 1998 all psycho pathic killers who were in a high security prison and who were either on death row or in for life were given this cenario. only one answered wrong. So if you answered right you have the potential to be a psycho pathic killer. dont think about it too much and have a nice day:D

That's messed up! LOL

an athiest was walking threw the woods one day and he was looking around and admiring all the things that evolution had made. all the accidents that happened to get all these things together. wile crossing a river he notices a grizzly bear which is walking around. He trys to back away slowly without getting the bears attention when luck has it he steps on a branch. the bear takes one look at him and charges the man feebly trys to get away but is quickly over taken and triped by the bear the man in a feable effort to scare the bear away screams "God help me please!". when the bear is about to munch him time seems to stop the clouds part and a warm voice says " athiest you have denounced me in public and private now that you seem to have a change of heart in your last hours i will grant you one wish it can be anything anything at all." the athiest thinks for a moment and says "God make this bear a christian cause christians can't kill people" God shows his face and smiles "your wish is my command" and with that the clouds come back time resumes and the bear looks around confused then looks at the athiest and gave a bearish grin, the bear puts his paws together and says "Thank you God for this food i am about to eat"

first one was disturbing Thor, second one was good :D

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

ORIGINAL: EuroGoldLS
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."


Oh boy! That's one of those jokes that will land you on the couch if a certain someone hears it...

Good one!

Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: A jewish man and his mother-in-law fighting over a penny.

Uncool

ORIGINAL: TripleBlackBlazer

Uncool


you love it

That isn't very nice Brent...pretty un-PC of you there, bud.

jew jokes got realy boring when my friend was struck by lightning after he told one

Question of the day! If you have sex with a hooker against her will, is it considered rap or shoplifting? [sm=roll.gif]

Got another, How can you tell if your to drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and you realize later it was your air freshner! [sm=yeahsmile.gif]

I rolled at this one:

Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd
just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is
broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a
limp.

"What happend to you? asks Sean the bartender.

"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldnt do that to you,
he must of had something in his hand."

"That he did. says Paddy 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken
he gave me with it"

"Well' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didnt you
have something in your hand?"

'That I did' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."

A blonde walks into the dry cleaners and drops off a shirt. The owner says to her as she leaves "come again". The blonde turns around and says "no, it's mustard this time!" [sm=yikesomg.gif]

OMG!!! LMAO!!!!


My contribution for today:

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor? The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell his kids what it is. kids ask him "whats for dinner dad?" Dad gives one clue "it's what your mom calls me all the time." The oldest sons eyes got real big and yells at the other kids "DON'T EAT IT, IT'S AN @$$HOLE!" [sm=bounceybounce.gif]

I like all the vulgarity we can post here...but we can even drop an a** or a b**** in the forums..

Got a funny story from my long shift at the Circuit City today:

I was straightening up the PCs section and keeping an eye on the customers like a good employee..and I noticed this redneck cowboy looking guy talking to another cowboy looking guy (cut off shirt, cowboy hat, boots, etc). They were talking a bit loud and it sounded exciting so I walked by casually to listen. Apparently guy #1 had his truck in the shop...a Toyota as it was revealed. The other guy asked what shop he took it to, and the guy #1 said Precision Tune auto.

To which guy #2 said you have to be careful as they tend to buy cheaper parts and put them to keep your total repair cost low! (sounds good I suppose).
To which guy #1 replys with a classic: "Oh they better not put no jap parts on my truck!"

I wasn't sure whether to be shocked or laugh at the ignorance of this guy :)

(for those of you who didn't laugh at first...Toyotas are japanese...)

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. " I think its about time we started cussing."

The 4 yr old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell. and you say something with ass.".....

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks
the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast he replies,
"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Whack!!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, hops up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear
with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 yr old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man???????"

"I don't know, " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

wolfpack, thats a everyday thing apparently down here in Louisiana :p sad but true.

Only guys who buy decent vehicles down here are either union or support it



Joke:

What did the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?



He laid awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

a texan and an indiana man went to college together. after college they went their sepperate ways. well one day the texan called the indiana man and said he wanted to come up for a visit. so couple days later the indiana man picked up the texan at the airport and dicided he should show the texan some good indiana country before going to his house. so the texan all hiped up about old partys and memories of college agreed to take the scenic route to the indiana mans house. well wile driving the texan saw a rabbit cross the road and he asks the indiana man "whats that?" the indiana man replies "oh that, thats just a rabbit." "oh" remarks the texan "we grow those bigger in texas" the indiana man shrugged it off and kept driving and a little down the road a coon crosses the road " whats that" asks the texan "that, thats just a coon", "oh" says the texan we grow those a little bigger in texas. well the indiana man is getting a little iritated be the texan when the texan yells "whats that!" indiana man looks over and says "thats just a cow", "oh" says the texan " we grow those much much bigger in texas" now the indiana man is fuming when a turtle crosses the road. the texan looks at the indiana man and asks "whats that?" the indiana man looks at the texan smiling and says "man, thats an indiana tick!"

Got this one in a e-mail. Pretty funny....


A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."


The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"

this is one my dad told me:

this man in his mid-forties was trying to make himself feel young again so he decides to go out and buy a corvette. as he is driving home he feels the need to go fast so he takes off, but of course a cop is just waiting around the corner. the thought of running from the cop crosses his mind but he relizes that would be dumb. he pulls over and the cop comes up to the window, takes all his info then gos back to the car. the cop comes back and says since im in a good mood ill let you go if you can give me an excuse i have heard. the man thinks about it a minute then says: well you see my wife just left me, the cop intrupts and says i heard that before. the man replies no she left me for a cop and i thought you were trying to bring her back.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,

'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?

Two hunters were walking in the wood when one grabs his chest and falls to the ground. The other hunter grabs his cell phone and quickly dials 911. When the operator answers he yells into the phone," I'm in the middle of the woods with my buddy and he just grabbed his chest and fell over dead!" The operator replies in a calm voice, "Sir, I need you to calm down. First let's make sure your friend is really dead..." The operator then hears a gun shot and the guy on the phone says, "Okay, now what?"

On second thought, maybe this one isn't really approprate....sorry.

A man in his 50's goes to his doctor for a check up. After the exam the doctor tells him," You're in good health, for a man your age."
The man responded, "....for a man my age? What does that mean exactly? How much longer do I have?"
Doc say's, "Well do you drink?"
No.
Do you smoke?
No.
Do any outdoor activaties in direct sunlight, such as golf, or fishing?
No.
Do you chase wild women or visit protitutes?
No.
Well, why does it matter to you how much more time you have?

Sister merry logic and sister merry mathmatics were walking home from a late night service, when sister mathmatics turned to sister logic and said "Sister logic there is a man who has been following us for the past 3 min he is traveling at a slightly faster speed and will catch up to us in 11 min" sister logic responds "well a man following 2 women at this time of night logicly has evil intentions on his mind. So we must do the most logicle thing, we must speed up" so they continue for a while at a fast walk when sister mathmatics states "Sister logic he has increased his speed and once agian is traveling slightly faster then us. He will catch us in aprox 3 min." Sister logic looks at sister mathmatics and says "The most logicle thing now is to split up. We will take seperate routes and go back to the church" so they split up and sister mathmatics arrives at the church, but there is no sister logic. 10min go by then 20 then 45 then 1 hour and a half and just as sister mathmatics was about to call the priset an out of breath sister logic tumbles threw the church doors. Sister mathmatics greatly concerned quickly gives aid to sister logic and commands her to tell what happend. So sister logic retells the story "Well first after we split up. The man did the only logicle thing. He followed one of us. Which unfortunately was me." sister mathmatics eyes are wide open and urges sister lopgic to keep going. "well after finding him on my trail I once agian did the only logicle thing. I sped up some more." sister mathmatics eyes are getting bigger " well after finding I couldn't evade him. I did the only logicle thing. I slowed down till he was caught up to me." " what did he do next?" sister mathmatics asks. " well he did the only logicle thing. He droped his pants." " what did you do next?!" asks sister mathmatics "Well I did the most logicle thing. I lifted up my dress." "What happened next!? please tell me" asks sister mathmatics who has dish plates for eyes. Sister logic responds " Well logically a man with his pants down can't run as fast as a nun with her dress up!"

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that freakin train!'

You may find this helpful around the house/garage....

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injector chamber.

Walter

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and sits down on a stool at the bar. The man beside leans over and asks,' Where'd you get that pig?"
The woman responds, "It's not a pig, it's a duck!"
The man looks at her and says,"I was talking to the duck!"

lmao...


I got this one in an e-mail....


Question
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around
the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,
raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healt hier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click . . .
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist.'

Well it looks like someone finally photographed the pot at the end of the rainbow.... but its not exactly a pot of GOLD!


local://upfiles/5437/D3030584F3084DF9ABE7D5B46CD62933.jpg

ORIGINAL: EuroGoldLS

lmao...


I got this one in an e-mail....


Question
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around
the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,
raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healt hier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click . . .
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist.'


LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm emailing that to some people right now! :)

My aunt sent me that one. I read it out loud during our downtime in class.... Ms. Capps almost passed out. lol

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her
car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a
ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode
off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let
out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station
attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the
horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.

ha... triple post. oh well[8D]

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils
removed. He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have
surgery. On the day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you
please circumcise him while he is asleep.

The Dr. agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for
several days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate
informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out
soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery.

The little boy replied 'all I can tell you is your tonsils ain't
where you think they are.'

you're just barrels of fun I suppose brent;)

Good jokes though! keep em comin

I'm tellin you, I get way too many e-mails!

Diggin back through my inbox here....this was from my cousin. Sent June 21st, 2007. lol



Facts of life.

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.

I had a good joke come back to me today!



Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The teacher said, "very good" and continued teaching the class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" " shouted Mary Margaret and the teacher once again said "very good and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.

The teacher asked her a third question "what did Eve say to Adam after she had her tenth child?" Again, Johnny to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "if you stick me with that damn thing one more time, I'll break it in half!" The teacher fainted

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just
about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned
home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?", they asked. Several of us went to the library to work on an
extra credit project" said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table
and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments." answered
Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I
am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a
roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
He is your son!" The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and
slapped her three times.

Brent hogging the spotlight here lmao! Here's one I got in an email today.

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
"The curlers are on me."

The dept of parks and rec. has made an annoumcement that hikers in the parks and wooded areas should be aware that bears are becomming tamer and less afraid of humans, thus more attacks. Ir is therefore recommended that if you are hiking it would be a good idea to place a small bell on your beltloop to warn bears you are in their area. Also one should carry a can of pepper spray just in case you are attacked. It is also a good idea to be aware of what types of bears might be around. A good way to determine that is by the piles of stool. A black bears stool is about the size of a walnut, it might have berries and small twigs mixed in with it. The grizzly bears stool is quite a bit larger, might have berries and twigs mixed in but consists mostly of little bells that have a faint smell of pepper
Beware!

Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 cans of beer each within a one
hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men:

talked excessively without making sense;
became overly emotional;
couldn't drive;
failed to think rationally;
argued over nothing;
had to sit down while urinating;
and refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw

A redneck and a Frenchman were caught in Kentucky for making and selling bad moonshine. The law decided to hang them off the middle of the Ohio Bridge. They tied the rope around the Frenchman's neck and said, "Do you have any last words?" He said, "No." They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He removed the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of the river. Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and said, "Do you have any last words to say?" He said, "Yes, shorten up that rope boys 'cause I can't swim."

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.[/align][/align]She asks him why he is staring.[/align][/align]He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".[/align][/align]She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."[/align][/align]"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."[/align][/align]She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."[/align][/align]The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"[/align][/align]"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."[/align][/align]The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.[/align][/align]"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"[/align][/align]"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."[/align][/align]The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."[/align]

Wow so much racial and religious hostility.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline . . .
http://img147.imageshack.us/img147/2787/garfieldfk2.jpg

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Egghead Humor...

Two Atoms were walking down the hall and one suddenly stops and screams "WAIT!!! i think I dropped an Electron!"
to which the other replies, "Are you Positive?"


a Neutron walks into a bar and orders a double martini, extra dry.
the Bartender mixes it up and serves him.
the Neutron asks, "Whats the damage?"
The Bartender replies, "For you, No Charge."

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you
have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers! What about financial. You have anything I can track my
money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsof t gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later . . . . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" !!!!

Brought to you by Your Department of Defense Mid-Shift Geeks
http://www.geekoftheday.com/images/funny/coffee_pot.jpg

One Man's Good Fight

I went grocery shopping recently though not altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to **** yourself' chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.........
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom, they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.......
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!' while executing a hasty exit.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!' then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having completed my shopping, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertsons. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Now that was hot!

LMAO. That S*** is FUNNY!!! True story??? j/k

Here's a couple:
Why don't witches wear underwear while the fly on there brooms?
Better grip.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks "do you get crap stuck in your fur?" "No" the rabbit replies, "why do you ask?" So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt.

A Texan is visiting Ireland on vacation and walks into a pub. He slaps $100 on the bar and challenges anybody to drink 10 Pints of Guiness in fifteen minutes. Paddy and his brother watch the shenanigans as nobody seems to take the bait. Finally Paddy gets up and leaves. Paddy returns 15 minutes later, walks up to the Texan and say "I'll take your bet" and proceeds to gulp down 10 pints in a row with a few minutes to spare. The Texan has no choice to give Paddy the $100 but wants to know where he went before he accepted the challenge. Paddy replied "I went down to Murphy's pub to see if I could do it".

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

How many emos does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and cry.

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."

*although hed a just got in more trouble for sayin me/my/I its still funny*

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, 4x4's, or have a lot of sex? '

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a s**t?

Q: how are hurricanes and women the same??



A: wet and wild when they come, but take the house and car with 'em when they leave!!



idk i thought it was pretty funny anyways when my buddy told me yesterday lol

Here's one. Told to me by an Aussie!

In these times of refugees & so on, Australia was also having it’s fair share with the “boat people” and prompted this joke which kinda symbolizes the relationship between the Aussies & Kiwi’s.

An Aussie & a kiwi were walking on Bondi beach when they came across a genies lamp. The aussie picked it up & said “This must be a magic lamp!” & proceeded to rub it. Out popped a genie.

“I am a genie & can grant 3 wishes – but since there are 2 of you it would be unfair to give one of you 2 wishes & the other only one. So I’ll grant one wish each, so, make it good”.
The Aussie says “With all these refugees, I’d like a high wall all around Australia to keep the buggars out – 100 foot high & 30 foot thick.”

BANG! The genie claps his hands & a wall appears.

Impressed, the Kiwi replies “Wow, 100 foot high?”
“Yea” says the genie.
“30 foot thick?”
“Yea” says the genie.
“Strong?”
“Yea” says the genie, “Very strong”.
The Kiwi says “Can you fill it with water?”

That's similar to this joke: CLICK (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZMoUVySePI)

NWS

Are you a Democrat, Republican or an Texan?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge
knife comes around the corner & locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 caliber and are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do ?
.................................................. ..............

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN

Republican Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question !

Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

Could we run away ?

What does my wife think ?

What about the kids ?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand ?

What does the law say about this situation ?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it ?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message

does this send to society and to my children ?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing ME ?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me ?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me ?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted ?

We actually need to raise taxes, have a "paint and weed day" and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.

This is all so confusing ! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
.................................................. .............

Democrat's Answer:

BANG !
.................................................. ...............

Texan's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy ! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points ?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one ?"

Wife: "You're not taking THAT to the Taxidermist !"

At this mall in middle America was a group of kids dressed pretty wild. One in particular had hair that was all the colors you could think of plus some.

Well as this kid is hanging with his friends, he notices an old man just staring at him.

A lot.

Well, this doesn't bother the kid so much as it makes him puff up a bit and he uses this as a chance to pop off a one liner.

"whats the matter old man?"
"haven't you ever done something crazy in your life?"

The old man without skipping a beat said - and I quote:

"Had sex with a peacock once, was thinking you might be my son"

What did the Chevy sat to the Ford?

Would you like a tow home?

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.


Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said

"Look daddy,
YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

of course...
knock knock,

who's there,

8-mop

8-mop who?


eww you ate your poo????


(post 1)
I dont like the classified rules - i use to be able to post 3 months ago...

a man went to the dr and his toes were swolen and chapped and he said to the dr *mamma said i have toe-lee-o *and the dr said you mean you had pol-lee -o (no ...mamma said tol-lee-0)
then the man said my knees are swolen and cracked and *mamma said i have the kneesals...the dr said no* you mean you had the measals*...*nope *mamma said *kneesals*.....
then the dr said theres only one way to find out. drop you underware.
and the dr said *yup *just what i thought *you have (smallcox) and the man said mamma said smallpox...................

if this is worse than the house of prostitotion joke i apoligize and will delete it.

lol... racist joke that I modified. It's probably apparent where I changed it, still funny though

anyway

A guy was driving down the highway and sees a hitch hiker on the side of the road, casually he swerves and hits the guy with the mirror, sending him into the ditch.
A few miles down the road he sees a priest hitchiking and seeing as he couldn't hit a man of god, he stopped to pick him up.
They continue on and are having a nice conversation when the driver sees another hitch-hiker... "Crap, I can't hit the hitch hiker with a priest in the car..." He thinks.
So he doesn't hit him and he keeps going, but when he looks in his rear-view he sees the man rolling down the embankment into the swamp, he looks over at the priest who says "Don't worry! I got him with the door!".

I groaned after laughing my arse off at this one, may have been the case of beer I had in my system that night though, how I still remember it lol...

here are a couple blond jokes


a blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop for speeding. the cop asks "Mam may i please see your license?" the blonde driver says "well im sorry officer, but i dont know what a license is..." the cop says "its a small rectangle, it has your picture on it. It will probably be in your purse." so the blonde is digging around in her purse and pulls out a mirror and says "OH!! i think i found it!!!!!" she hands it to the cop and and the blonde cop says "OH!!! im sorry... if i would have known you were a cop, i wouldnt have pulled you over! Here's your license back!!!"


A blonde is driving down an old country rode and sees another blonde in a row boat out in the middle of a field trying to row her boat. angered, the blonde driver slams on the brakes and gets out of her car and yells out "YOU KNOW, ITS PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT GIVE SMART BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I COULD SWIM, I'D COME OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!!!"

OK here is a couple...

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.


A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased
husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries".
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says,
"In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 2000 Blazer for sale'.


A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After take off the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom and the man next to her stands up to let her out. She returned, and 5 minutes later, she sneezed and once more excused herself to go to the bathroom. She returned again, and immediately sneezed again, excused herself and went to the bathroom...
The man, getting irritated at this point - asked her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"
The woman responded: " I have a rare condition every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man said: "What are you taking for it?"
The woman responded: "Pepper."


Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one "did" come forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at
the one who's wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
moment,he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

I liked this one when I read it.

Achtung!
Das computermachine ist nicht fer derfingerpoken und mittengrabben. Is easy shnappen der springwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spittzensparkken. Ist Nicht fur gerwerken by das dummkoffen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets, relaxen und watchen das blinkkenlights!

I actually made a joke with my mother, who drives a 2008 Lexus RX350.
I pointed out on the door tags with the weight ratings once and how the Lexus is larger in size, but is actually slightly lighter than the GMC Jimmy. She said: "How can that be?". I said only two words: "LESS PLASTIC!". Stupid joke: yes, but may actually be true...... Seems to work though considering she gets 21-24 MPG and I get 14-18 (if I am not doing 65 on the interstate, then I get 21).

A Short Fairy Tale

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him. She said No!
And the guy lived happily ever after, rode his motorcycle drove his blazer, fished & hunted whenever he wanted, drank beer & scotch, had lots of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up & farted whenever he felt like it.

The End

An old man is sitting on his porch and sees a young boy walking down the road. And he has his arms full of chicken wire. The Man asks what the wire is for and the boy says for catching chickens. The man laughes and wastes the rest of the day away. That night when he gets ready to head inside, he sees the boy walking back with a number of chickens under each arm. "I told you so", the boy said with a grin as the man walked inside.

The next day the boy passes the man agian, this time with a box of duct tape. The man says "Let me guess, your gonna catch ducks right?" The boy nods and continues on. Sure enough later that night. The smiling boy came back with a box full of ducks and waved at the dumb founded man.

On the third day the boy walks by and the man asks whats in the bags on his shoulder. The boy says "I've got a few bags of pu$$ywillows". The man rushed in his house and came back out with his hat and cane and said,

Hold on son, I'm commin' with ya.

RIP Patrick S
Why should'nt you be upset about Patrick dying?
As long as Whoopi Goldberg is alive we can still talk to him.
(The movie Ghost, alright not the best but it's not bad. Agian, no disrepect towards Pat)

i got a few

a string walks into a bar
sits down at the bar and the bartender points to a sign that says no strings allowed
so the string walks out of the bar and starts to think
he says, ok ill unravel myself and tie myself into a knot
he walks back into the bar and it fools the bartender
but then he takes a closer look, and says hey werent you that string that i told to get out?
the string replys, no im afrayed knot!

2 blonds are coming out of the movies and realize theyve left their keys in the car
so one blond finds a coat hanger and works for an hour or two trying to open the door
she takes a break, and the other blond says, hey get back to work, its about to rain
and the top is down

Seeing as I have NFLD blood in me, and most jokes make fun of newfies, heres one to stand up for them.

A newfie and a lawyer are sitting beside eachother on a plane.

After about 3 hours of flight the lawyer turns to the newfie and says "Hey lets play a game. Ill ask you a question and if you dont know the answer you give me $5. Then you ask me one and if I dont know the answer ill give you $500."
"Sure that sounds alright," says the newfie.

So the lawyer asks the newfie a question. After thinking for a few minutes, the newfie admits defeat and hands the lawyer $5.

Then the newfie turns to the lawyer and says, "what has 3 legs going up the hill, and 4 coming down the other side?"

The lawyer is stumped, but doesnt give up that easy. For hours he searches the internet, calls his lawyer friends, everything he can think of, all while the newfie takes a nap.

After 3 hours of thinking, the lawyer wakes up the newfie, admits defeat, and hands him $500. He then asks the newfie the very same question, to which the newfie replies, "not a clue," and hands him $5.

Thought it was a good one.

How many nerds does it take to change a lightbulb???

Answer 1: None. They call in the football team to do it for them.
Answer 2: They don't have to if it is LED. Nerd love LED lights.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCzCXyQ-bv0http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCzCXyQ-bv0

http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/12/brian-haner-grandma-was-a-racist-1514784

had to post this i was almost in tears laughing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCzCXyQ-bv0http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCzCXyQ-bv0


LMAO i soo remember that too!!

http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/12/brian-haner-grandma-was-a-racist-1514784

had to post this i was almost in tears laughing

Ihad to laugh too! Whose Grandma was that way? They called black folks "colored" back in the day. but never the "N" word, unless they were poor ole' country white trash!:icon_wink::icon_teeth:

And most of them knew the Holocaust was REAL, 'cause their sons told them of the horrors of that when they came back from WWII:icon_doh:

hey, mark i dunno lol i just found it and HAD to post it, it gave me a good giggle *being german and all* :P

A Short Fairy Tale

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him. She said No!
And the guy lived happily ever after, rode his motorcycle drove his blazer, fished & hunted whenever he wanted, drank beer & scotch, had lots of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up & farted whenever he felt like it.

The End

Truer words were never spoken:icon_wink:

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas. To be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldnt be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you have endure when youre an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope thats the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthurs Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! Im not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Freds Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, Ive located a @#*!?%#* Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her Sally. Probably behind her back they call her Forklift.

Chili #4: Bubbas Black Magic Chili

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldnt have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled.. its kinda cute.

Chili #5: Lindas Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Veras Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susans Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number Three, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldnt feel it. Ive lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy theyll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before its too late. Tell our children Im sorry I was not there to conceive them. Ive decided to stop breathing, its too painful and Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air Ill just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-files people and tell them Ive found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Helens Mount St. Helens Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number Three fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: Momma??!!!

:icon_beerchug::icon_goodpost::icon_laugh:

lol to funny...poor frankey

I took my dad to the mall one day to do some shopping,after a while of walking around we sat down at the mall to get a bit to eat, my dad then began staring at a kid accross from us who had hair spiked straight up colored red green yellow and purple, i noticed the kid getting mad at my dad just staring at him an finally the kid said "whats wrong old man have you never done anything wild in your life''

well i swallowed my food very quickly knowing my dad would have a good response and he did. my dad said to the kid well boy i got drunk one night had sex with a peacock and thought you might just be my son.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bflD4bha0w

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

here's a few that have been kicking around my hard drive for awhile now.


A young man moved from his parents' home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered ..... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me..


and another,


WHO IS JACK SCHITT?


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We findourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well,thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition
named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

one more,

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!

Kind of lame but funny to the simple minded.

Q: Why does a chicken coupe have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank

Chili #3: Freds Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, Ive located a @#*!?%#* Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.

Chili #5: Lindas Legal Lip Remover

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #7: Susans Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: I should note that I am worried about Judge Number Three, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldnt feel it.

thanks to you, my sides & eyes hurt from LMFAO for so long! i think it took me 3 or 4 tries, and over 7 minutes to read it. thanks :)

it almost sounds like what my mother in-law says about anything above black pepper. come to think of it, she actually says black pepper is to hot for her! :icon_laugh:

I took my dad to the mall one day to do some shopping,after a while of walking around we sat down at the mall to get a bit to eat, my dad then began staring at a kid accross from us who had hair spiked straight up colored red green yellow and purple, i noticed the kid getting mad at my dad just staring at him an finally the kid said "whats wrong old man have you never done anything wild in your life''

well i swallowed my food very quickly knowing my dad would have a good response and he did. my dad said to the kid well boy i got drunk one night had sex with a peacock and thought you might just be my son.

that would've been worth the price of addmission to have witnesse that!

heres a good joke

F-O-R-D

Kylie Minogue, Charlie Sheen, and Elton John are walking across a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head stuck between the bars, Charlie pulls down his pants and lays the pipe to her on the spot. When hes done he stands up and says to Elton "OK man, now its your turn" and Elton replies

"But I cant get my head between those bars"

__________________________________________________ __________

Why was white chocolate invented?

So that black kids can get their faces dirty too!

Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California has now identified with certainty the heaviest element known to science.

The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium is inert, and has no charge and no magnetism. Nevertheless, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Pelosium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will promote many morons to become isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Pelosium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.