got a good joke to share---post it here!
#1
02-28-2008, 11:51 AM
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Plainville, Connecticut
Posts: 1,578
got a good joke to share---post it here!
It was mentioned *cough* Brent *cough* that a sticky should be made for jokes, so I made one. Post em up people.
Thread rules:
-No dirty jokes as this a family friendly forum
-No vulgarity - please replace some letters with ***
-No racial jokes
-Only funny jokes are allowed - j/k
Thread rules:
-No dirty jokes as this a family friendly forum
-No vulgarity - please replace some letters with ***
-No racial jokes
-Only funny jokes are allowed - j/k
#2
02-28-2008, 11:58 AM
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Definately... Keep those hundreds of joke posts from recurring.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to he door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and is met by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
(scroll down)
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
[hr]
This one may be pushing the boundary.....
A calvery sargent was captured by the indians. The chief said, " I'll give you one last request before we burn you at the stake." The sargent said, " I'd like to speak to my horse". His wish granted, he whispered in the horses ear and the horse ran off. About and hour later, the horse showed up with a red headed saloon girl on his back. The sargent said, "I need to talk to my horse again". He again whipered in the horses ear. The horse ran off again. In about an hour he showed back up with a blonde saloon girl. The sargent said I need to talk to my horse again. He again whipered in the horses ear, and the horse ran off once more. In about an hour the horse showed back up, this time with a brunette saloon gir on his back. The sargent asked the chief if he could speek with his horse one more time. the chief said O.K. The sargent pulled the horses face down in front of him and said.
"Read my lips, get me a P...O...S...S...E...Y!!!"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to he door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and is met by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
(scroll down)
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
[hr]
This one may be pushing the boundary.....
A calvery sargent was captured by the indians. The chief said, " I'll give you one last request before we burn you at the stake." The sargent said, " I'd like to speak to my horse". His wish granted, he whispered in the horses ear and the horse ran off. About and hour later, the horse showed up with a red headed saloon girl on his back. The sargent said, "I need to talk to my horse again". He again whipered in the horses ear. The horse ran off again. In about an hour he showed back up with a blonde saloon girl. The sargent said I need to talk to my horse again. He again whipered in the horses ear, and the horse ran off once more. In about an hour the horse showed back up, this time with a brunette saloon gir on his back. The sargent asked the chief if he could speek with his horse one more time. the chief said O.K. The sargent pulled the horses face down in front of him and said.
"Read my lips, get me a P...O...S...S...E...Y!!!"
#3
02-28-2008, 12:02 PM
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
-- Indian Winter --
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy." [/align]
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy." [/align]
#5
02-28-2008, 12:07 PM
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
This one got me too! Don't know if its new or old, but it was new to me and yeah, this kinda pushes the line a bit...
Hope no one was listening at the door on our wedding night! LMAO... That's kind of creepy...
On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day.
Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura's feet were agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.
The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."
This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God, that was even tighter"
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day.
Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura's feet were agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.
The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."
This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God, that was even tighter"
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
#6
02-28-2008, 12:18 PM
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began with unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities such as: Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 and Golf 7.5
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please HELP!!
Thanks,
A Troubled User
---------- REPLY ----------
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very, very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I also suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! It comes with several support programs, such as: Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs; improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend: Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and especially Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
[/align]
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began with unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities such as: Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 and Golf 7.5
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please HELP!!
Thanks,
A Troubled User
---------- REPLY ----------
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very, very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I also suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! It comes with several support programs, such as: Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs; improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend: Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and especially Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
[/align]
#8
02-28-2008, 12:59 PM
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
LMAO!!!![sm=happybounce.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif] That is funny!!!!
Got a couple of Q&A jokes you may have heardsome of them. Some of them are silly.
[hr]
Q:How do you get a one armed Blonde out of a tree?
A:You wave at her!
[hr]
Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stamping out small grass fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks!!!
[hr]
What do you call a 300 lb. Hawaiian?
Anorexic!!!
[hr]
Heres a good oldie. Granny still tells this one.
Aboy is setting on the curb in front of a church shakeing a small bottle ofPinee watching it fizz.
A priest walks up and says "what do you have there son?
the boy answers "father this is the most powerfullest liquid in the world"
To this the preist replyed, "Is it holy water? For holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. If you place a drop of holy water on an expectant mothers belly she will pass a child.
Theboy grins up at the preist."Father, thats nothin' this is Pinee, if you put a drop of this on a cats a$$ he'll pass a motorcycle"
Got a couple of Q&A jokes you may have heardsome of them. Some of them are silly.
[hr]
Q:How do you get a one armed Blonde out of a tree?
A:You wave at her!
[hr]
Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stamping out small grass fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks!!!
[hr]
What do you call a 300 lb. Hawaiian?
Anorexic!!!
[hr]
Heres a good oldie. Granny still tells this one.
Aboy is setting on the curb in front of a church shakeing a small bottle ofPinee watching it fizz.
A priest walks up and says "what do you have there son?
the boy answers "father this is the most powerfullest liquid in the world"
To this the preist replyed, "Is it holy water? For holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. If you place a drop of holy water on an expectant mothers belly she will pass a child.
Theboy grins up at the preist."Father, thats nothin' this is Pinee, if you put a drop of this on a cats a$$ he'll pass a motorcycle"
#9
02-28-2008, 02:09 PM
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Plainville, Connecticut
Posts: 1,578
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Who did they find in Jeffery Dahmer's freezer?
Ben & Jerry
What did they find in his bathtub?
Head & Shoulders
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog
Why does Michael Jackson like K-Mart so much?
Cause little boys pants are always half off
Ben & Jerry
What did they find in his bathtub?
Head & Shoulders
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog
Why does Michael Jackson like K-Mart so much?
Cause little boys pants are always half off
