A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"

A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

Two geordies are walking along the street when they see a dog licking its *****.
One of the geordies says "I wish I could do that."
His mate replies "Give him a biscuit and he might let you."



Two Geordie kids splaying with water pistols, one decides to put acid in his and squirt holes in his mates jumper.
A passing priest see's what he is doing and shouts no that's dangerous, kid says f**k off, priest says look I will swap you some holy water for the acid, again kid says f**k off what good is that.
Priest says well it can cause miracles, yesterday I sprinkled some on a ladies belly and she passed a baby, Kid says so what, I sprayed some acid on our dogs ***** and he passed a f**king motorbike !!!!!!

 

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,



I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!


At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!


This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!




Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.



I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.




Your loving daughter,



Sheila

 

Had a Trucker Tell me these at work.. please say something if they are (Bad)



How Do you turn a Dishwasher into a Snowblower?
Give Her a Shovel

How you get a nun laid?
Dress her up as a little alter boy...

How do you make your wife scream while having ******
Call her and tell her. (Co-Worker)

What is the Difference between a pit-bull and a Aunt?
One wears a collar. Trucker joke


hope they make you laugh.

 

One summer my older brother was hit on his moped when a young woman ran a red light. My car had broken down two weeks before the accident so my elderly mother was driving us. Bruce was in the I.C.U at one hospital for a few weeks and then they transferred him to the V.A.’s I.C.U. Mom was sick one day and didn’t feel like going to the hospital but Bruce wasn’t doing well so I really wanted to go.

Now, I knew better because I’m a paraplegic but since my right leg works some I got in her car and headed to town. That’s a big ‘no no’ because I’m supposed to have hand controls to legally drive. That being said, everything went fine on the way into town. I sat with him for most of the day and then headed home. Things went fine Most of the way home.

Mom’s Lincoln Town Car has a smooth ride and likes to creep up there a bit. I was about Five miles from home when I heard sirens behind me. I looked in my rearview mirror to see a Kansas State Trooper behind me with his lights on. I looked down and saw that I was doing 80 in a 55 mile an hour zone. I panicked, floored it, and took off down the road like a bat out of Hades.

About three miles later I came to my senses and pulled over. I sat there waiting, feeling like I was going to throw up. When he started to approach the car I opened the car door because Mom’s driver’s side window wasn’t working correctly. At that point he drew his gun and started yelling, “Driver! Shut the door and put your hands out the window!”

I yelled back, “I can’t! The window doesn’t work!”

He pointed his gun towards me and yelled, “Get out of the car and place your hands on top of the car!”

I yelled back, “I Can’t! I’m a paraplegic!”

He eased forward until he saw my wheelchair in the back seat and then relaxed a little. Then he told me to ‘sit tight and don’t get out of the car’ which I thought was a bit silly since he could see my wheelchair in the back seat. I didn’t point that out though. I was scared and it must have shown on my face because he decided to give me a break.

He took off his hat and scratched his head which was covered with snow white hair and then said, “I retire tomorrow and with any luck this will be my last traffic stop. I’ve been doing this for a long time and I’m tired. I’ll tell you what; if you can give me a reason for your actions that I’ve never heard before I’ll let you off the hook.”

I almost blurted out the truth. I thought ‘how often does someone who is supposed to have hand controls get into a car without them and drive it?’ For some reason I didn’t. I took a deep breath and then the story teller in me took over.

“Well sir, I’ve been with my girlfriend for about seven years. That’s been about five years too many. She criticized every single thing I did. Nothing was ever good enough for her. Seriously. For example, I bought her a dozen red roses for her birthday and she berated me for not getting her yellow ones.”

I ran my hands through my hair and sighed deeply. “Tonight we were fighting again. It was one of the worst screaming matches we’d had yet. About five or six miles back I snapped. I pulled over kicked her out of the car and took off, leaving her standing on the side of the road.”
I looked up at him, sighed again, and said, “I thought you’d seen it happen and you were bringing that crazy witch back!”

He wished me the best of luck and told me to go home.

Not my original work but rather a variation of one I’d heard.

 

Not bad. I have to say the aunt and pitbull joke made me laugh.

 

After hearing his doorbell ring. A man opens his door and meets a cop standing on his porch. The cop asks to see a picture of the man's wife. The man gets his wallet and shows the cop a picture. "I'm sorry sir". the cop said. "But it looks like your wife has been run over by a truck". The man replied, "I know. But she has a great personality and she's a good cook".




Fair warning fellas. Women don't think that's funny

 

NASA spends $1 million developing a pen that could write upside down and at any angle with zero gravity.

When the astronauts get to the Russian space station they notice that the Russians are using a pencil! LOL

 

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.


After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .










'You just happened to catch my eye.'



Lame, I know...hahaha

 

Blind man was walking past a fish market, he takes a deep breath and says "good morning ladies!"