hey now, i agreed to half of those and i'm true blue American.

 

facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you dont know

 

^ roflmfao!

 

Well said streblo... that's why I don't have facebook!

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink

as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "he's my old boyfriend.......I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
Snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
A short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
Cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed..

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started ........





Pilot Father's Tough Love



Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children,

so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have hadone of 'those moments.'



Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.




I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines,

or just the time away from any distractions such as

TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving

after our flight together.





I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is

an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son,

in case you would like to use the technique...





SHOULD WORK WITH GRANDKIDS ALSO.

 

nice, ive read those before but it always makes me laugh every time

What gets longer when pulled,
fits between your *****,
inserts neatly in a hole,
and works best when jerked?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
a seatbelt.............what were you thinking?
.
.
aha saw a funny status today.....girls are like a cd, not all of them are good, some of them skip, but the ones worth listening to you cant get out of your head........................now try to come up with the funny comment that goes with that.
.
.

 

Girls are like Iphone's...
You can't take your hands off them, every store tries to sell you accessories for them, and a thinner faster one comes out every summer that you have to have...

Just thought of that one.

 

Yup, sounds about right. My GF has the thinner faster one. Am I getting the heave hoe? lol

 

Proof That Men Have Better Friends....


Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

SO TRUE!!!! hahaha