On second thought, maybe this one isn't really approprate....sorry.

 

A man in his 50's goes to his doctor for a check up. After the exam the doctor tells him," You're in good health, for a man your age."
The man responded, "....for a man my age? What does that mean exactly? How much longer do I have?"
Doc say's, "Well do you drink?"
No.
Do you smoke?
No.
Do any outdoor activaties in direct sunlight, such as golf, or fishing?
No.
Do you chase wild women or visit protitutes?
No.
Well, why does it matter to you how much more time you have?

 

Sister merry logic and sister merry mathmatics were walking home from a late night service, when sister mathmatics turned to sister logic and said "Sister logic there is a man who has been following us for the past 3 min he is traveling at a slightly faster speed and will catch up to us in 11 min" sister logic responds "well a man following 2 women at this time of night logicly has evil intentions on his mind. So we must do the most logicle thing, we must speed up" so they continue for a while at a fast walk when sister mathmatics states "Sister logic he has increased his speed and once agian is traveling slightly faster then us. He will catch us in aprox 3 min." Sister logic looks at sister mathmatics and says "The most logicle thing now is to split up. We will take seperate routes and go back to the church" so they split up and sister mathmatics arrives at the church, but there is no sister logic. 10min go by then 20 then 45 then 1 hour and a half and just as sister mathmatics was about to call the priset an out of breath sister logic tumbles threw the church doors. Sister mathmatics greatly concerned quickly gives aid to sister logic and commands her to tell what happend. So sister logic retells the story "Well first after we split up. The man did the only logicle thing. He followed one of us. Which unfortunately was me." sister mathmatics eyes are wide open and urges sister lopgic to keep going. "well after finding him on my trail I once agian did the only logicle thing. I sped up some more." sister mathmatics eyes are getting bigger " well after finding I couldn't evade him. I did the only logicle thing. I slowed down till he was caught up to me." " what did he do next?" sister mathmatics asks. " well he did the only logicle thing. He droped his pants." " what did you do next?!" asks sister mathmatics "Well I did the most logicle thing. I lifted up my dress." "What happened next!? please tell me" asks sister mathmatics who has dish plates for eyes. Sister logic responds " Well logically a man with his pants down can't run as fast as a nun with her dress up!"

 

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that freakin train!'

 

You may find this helpful around the house/garage....

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening

 

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injector chamber.

Walter

 

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and sits down on a stool at the bar. The man beside leans over and asks,' Where'd you get that pig?"
The woman responds, "It's not a pig, it's a duck!"
The man looks at her and says,"I was talking to the duck!"

 

lmao...


I got this one in an e-mail....


Question
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around
the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,
raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healt hier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click . . .
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist.'

 

Well it looks like someone finally photographed the pot at the end of the rainbow.... but its not exactly a pot of GOLD!


[IMG]local://upfiles/5437/D3030584F3084DF9ABE7D5B46CD62933.jpg[/IMG]

 

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm emailing that to some people right now!