Truer words were never spoken

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas. To be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldnt be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you have endure when youre an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope thats the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthurs Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! Im not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Freds Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, Ive located a @#*!?%#* Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her Sally. Probably behind her back they call her Forklift.

Chili #4: Bubbas Black Magic Chili

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldnt have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled.. its kinda cute.

Chili #5: Lindas Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Veras Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susans Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number Three, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldnt feel it. Ive lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy theyll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before its too late. Tell our children Im sorry I was not there to conceive them. Ive decided to stop breathing, its too painful and Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air Ill just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-files people and tell them Ive found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Helens Mount St. Helens Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number Three fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: Momma??!!!

 

 

lol to funny...poor frankey

 

I took my dad to the mall one day to do some shopping,after a while of walking around we sat down at the mall to get a bit to eat, my dad then began staring at a kid accross from us who had hair spiked straight up colored red green yellow and purple, i noticed the kid getting mad at my dad just staring at him an finally the kid said "whats wrong old man have you never done anything wild in your life''

well i swallowed my food very quickly knowing my dad would have a good response and he did. my dad said to the kid well boy i got drunk one night had sex with a peacock and thought you might just be my son.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bflD4bha0w

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

here's a few that have been kicking around my hard drive for awhile now.


A young man moved from his parents' home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered ..... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me..


and another,


WHO IS JACK SCHITT?


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We findourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well,thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition
named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

one more,

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!

 

Kind of lame but funny to the simple minded.

Q: Why does a chicken coupe have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

 

thanks to you, my sides & eyes hurt from LMFAO for so long! i think it took me 3 or 4 tries, and over 7 minutes to read it. thanks

it almost sounds like what my mother in-law says about anything above black pepper. come to think of it, she actually says black pepper is to hot for her!

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrEaMsTeVe

I took my dad to the mall one day to do some shopping,after a while of walking around we sat down at the mall to get a bit to eat, my dad then began staring at a kid accross from us who had hair spiked straight up colored red green yellow and purple, i noticed the kid getting mad at my dad just staring at him an finally the kid said "whats wrong old man have you never done anything wild in your life''

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrEaMsTeVe

that would've been worth the price of addmission to have witnesse that!