So this guy gets marooned alone on a dessert island.

For 5 years, every day he wanders down to the beach, sits down and watches the horizon for any passing ships.

One day while on beach patrol a tall, beautiful young woman with long blonde hair, in a wetsuit and scuba gear calmy walks straight out of the sea, up the beach and stands provocatively right in front of him.
She takes off her mask & scuba gear and says casually, "Hi, how long have you been marooned here?"

The guy thinks he's dreaming.
This can't be real, so he decides to go along with his fantasy.
He finally stammers, "F-five years."

"Wow!" she says, "That's quite some time, I bet you miss a few things from back home being on this dessert island all alone?"
"Sure do!" he replies.

"I bet you could do with a smoke?" she says, and with that she unzips a pocket of her wetsuit and produces a packet of cigarettes. She lights one and hands it to him.
He takes it from her, puts it to his lips and inhales deeply.
"Boy that feels good!" he says "when I woke up this morning I didn't think I would be having a smoke today."

"It gets better." she says, "Would you like a stiff drink?", and with that she unzips another pocket from her wetsuit, produces a hip flask, and hands it to him.
He takes it from her, flips the top, puts it to his lips and takes a gulp of the vintage whiskey.
"Boy that tastes good!" he exclaims "I can't believe I'm on a beach of a dessert island with a smoke, a good drink, and a beautiful woman - I must be dreaming."

"I can assure you, you are definitely not dreaming" she says, and adds "would you like to play around?", and with that she starts to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

The guy definitely thinks he's died and gone to heaven now, so he says, "This is unbelievable, don't tell me you have a set of clubs on you?"

 

HAHAHA thats great!

 

Great newspaper ads and quotes:

will the person who got hit in the head with a tomato in the 1950's please contact (414) 453-2222

tips to avoid alligator attacks: dont swim in waters inhabited by alligators

the first divorce directly related to the sept.11 terrorist attacks has been filed in new york. it appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the wtc spent the morning at his girlfriends apartment with his phone turned off. he wasnt watching tv either. when he turned his phone back on at about 11 am, it rang immediately. it was his hysterical wife. "are you ok? where are you". he said, what do you mean? im in my office of course

for sale: 06 suzuiki gsxr 1000... this bike is perfect. only done 7000km and has had its 150km dealer service. no falls/.scratches. i use it as a commuter. im selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. apparently do whatever the **** you want doesnt mean what i thought

waitress needed. must be 18 years old with 20 years experience

for sale. spacious 1500 sq fot living space. family room with fireplace. large lot. huge dick for entertaining and enjoying the views. 3 bedroom. 2 bath

china cabinet buffet, hutch solid pine 6x4 lighted windows. few cat scractches but cat has been killed. $700

one armed man applauds the kindness of strangers

so far, they have determined that he crash occured whent he plane struck the ground

driveway donts: when being puled out of a ditch, do not drive immediately back into the ditch

federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons

army vehicle dissapears : an aurstralian army vehicle worth 74,000 has gone mising after being painted with camouflage

alton attourney accidentaly sues himself

Cops - " you were only doing about 3mph when you crashed"

two and a half men - "i dont mean to be rude but frankly i am sick of talking to you (slam)"

 

bet you'll laugh!


A precious little Texas girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner,

"Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms, leans forward and says;


(out of the mouth of babes!)......




"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

here's a good one..........


A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.


In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.


Angus responded: 'Well,I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '


'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'


Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '


The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.


Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the f**k would you say?'

 

Canadian, eh!

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,
You may live in Canada.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada. -So True.-

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada.

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching,
You may live in Canada. (actually, means you were BORN in Canada)

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked,
You may live in Canada.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km, & you're going 95, and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons:
almost Winter,
Winter,
still Winter,
and road construction,
You may live in Canada.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada.

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',
You may live in Canada.

If you actually understand these jokes,
and forward them to all your friends,
you definitely are Canadian and proud to be

 

Haha those are all true lol. But the distance one. Sofa king true! My buddies house is an hour away. **** if I know how far it actually is lol

 

that's exactly how i measured the distance to your place Brad.

 

I live 15 minutes from school... Don't even ask for the distance in a unit of actual measurement.

 

vancouver is 24 hours away, regina is 5-6, always reference in time not distance