9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.


So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.


They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.


They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.


It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

 

^


Let's face it:


After Monday and Tuesday...
Even the calendar says-----W T F.

 

might be up already but....

One old guy goes out to meet up with his old guy buddy
he looks over while theyre feeding the ducks at the local pond and says "i think my wife is dead" the other old guy looks over a little surprised and says "what do you mean 'you think'"? and he replies "well the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up"

 

Little Johnny stickes again!


The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce
you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

 

^^^^ that is awesome!!!!!

 

thanks Mack.

funny thing...i just realized i can't (or rather, couldn't) spell "strikes".


annnnnnnyyyways...........




A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'






While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.



They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....


'Go get your Mother'...............

 

One day this mother was trying to clean her house and her young son was running around in the house and driving her crazy.

She told him "You need to get outta here and go find something else to do" she thought for a moment and said "I tell you what, there is a construction site across the street, why don't you go over there and see if you can learn something and don't come back until before dark!"

So the boy leaves and is at the construction site all day and comes back home at the time his mother requested. His mother asks him "Well what did you learn while you were over there all day?" The young boy proudly replies "I learned about Whiskey, Rock, and 4 o'clock!!!"

The mother than replies "WHAAAT!! You just wait when your father gets home I'm telling him exactly what you just said!!!"

The young boy says "Well I could care less I'm quittin' Friday anyways!!!"

 

An old man was standing in line at costco with a bag of purina dog food.

The lady behind him noticed and asked what type of dog he had.

Well the old man thought for a second, and seeing as he had nothign else to do during the day he decide to have some fun with it.

He said, well, i think im going to go on the purina diet again, but im not to sure.

The lady looked at him and went, the purina diet? what is that? and how come your not sure?

He said, oh it works great, i went on it before and i lost 50lbs. All you do is you fill your pockets with some kibble, and when you feel a bit hungry you just reach in and have a few bites, there great they are really high in nutrients, but the last time i tried it i ended up in the hospital.

By now everyone in line is listening to the story

The lady now goes, oh my gosh, if you ended up in the hospital before why would you think of trying it again.

He goes, oh the diet worked great, i just ended up in the hospital after i stepped off the curb to sniff a poodles butt.

 

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

 

Haha. I've heard that somewhere. I actually think Chris posted it lol