A guy is walking home late one night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars" she whispers...
He had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a suddon a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife" the man replies sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."
"well neither did I, Til you shined the light in her face!" exclaimed the man.

 

A United States Marine was attending some college courses betweenassignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and amember of the ACLU.One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked tothe ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want youto knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minuteswent by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm stillwaiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marinegot out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The otherstudents were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on insilence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy todayprotecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to saystupid **** and act like an *******. So, He sent me.

 

A woman was having an affair on her husband when she heard a car pull up in the driveway.

"My husbands home! Quick, HIDE!!!"

The man scurried around the bedroom for somewhere to hide. The closet was too small and he couldn't hide in the bathroom because the husband might need to use it. So, in a last minute desperation, the wife covered him in powder and stood him in the corner of the room. Exhausted, the husband came home, threw his shoes off, and layed down in bed to take a nap. He got up in the middle of the night to get a bite to eat. He made his way down to the kitchen, found some food, and went back to the bedroom where the man was still standing in the corner covered in powder. The husband walked into the bedroom and put a sandwich in the mans hands and said "I was standing like that over at the Millers the other night and you think the a**hole would give me something to eat".

 

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.

TheMarine did what any squared awaymarine would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

 

Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers !
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one ... are you?




Ohno-Second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

 

Pullin out the stops on the little johnny jokes


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."








Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."







The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

 

I've heard all of those before, but it doesn't mean I didn't laugh at each of them again. The last one is priceless!!

 

I love the little Johnny jokes. It just that a select few are clean enough to post!!!

 

One other forum I know has a "Pics that make you lol" thread
I havn't found one here, but I think it's a good idea
just post stupid/funny(little distinction) pictures

 

I think you should be able to post pics in this thread as well... if they are funny.
I got this on in an e-mail my aunt sent me:



And


I have another joke.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from
the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in
all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened
for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets
worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against
the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !"


His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

"CELEBRATE !!!






And another joke:





A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new
country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands
up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased
with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run
will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a
walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A
friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to
run, he got four *****."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with
pr-r-ride!"