I've always liked 'dum' one-liner jokes. BIG fan of Steven Wright.

This one tickles me a lot..'cuz it's sorta geeky and I love Big Bang:

"There are 10 types of people; those who understand binary math and those who don't."

- Now that's 'Sheldon humor', right there!

 

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I've also wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

 

Swimming is good for you.... Especially if you're drowning.

 

cant beleive I missed this thread. Im a really funny guy and always have a funny one liner for most situations. Here is a few of my favorites.

Yesterday. Driving down Hiway 2 in Alberta when there is a wide load approaching me from behind, hes loaded with massive tires headed up north to the mines. My CB crackles:
"Hey, Home Hardware. Mind if I come around you?"
"You can come wherever you want, just please dont come all over me"

Years back, working nightclub security doing pat downs at the head of the line-up... Something round in a guys pocket gets my attention:
"Hey bro, wanna show me whats in your pockets?" - Me
"Its a condom man, guess you havent ever seen one eh?" - Him
"Oh sure I have, you ever seen the serial number on one?" - Me
"I didnt know they had serial numbers on them" - Him
"Guess you cant roll it on far enough..." - Me

Im sure Ill remember some more to share, gotta go cook up dinner for the kiddies.

 

well, those are more jokes than oneliners but hey..

Dorothy Parker is the all time queen of the biting one-liner putdown, but hers need some setup:

She wallowed amongst the society crowd as she was a member of the Algonquin Round Table of contemporary writers in the 1930's.
{Since you morons prolly didnt git no lernin' in skool about these things, look 'em up in wiki}

But they wanted to treat like a sort of pet goat.. she being known as a drinker and not hiding she had sort of round heels.

These are three of my favorite:
"If all the girls at Yale Prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

Challenged by some society babe to use 'Horticulture' in a sentence about contemporary life, Parker replied:
"You can lead a horticulture but you cant make her think."

Clare Booth Luce used to be famous, even before she owned Time Magazine and the Washington Post. At a dinner, she and Parker approached the door to the dining room together..
Luce, being cute:
"Age before Beauty"
Parker sniffed, walked on through sayng:
"Pearls before Swine"

 

Dorothy Parker was awesome. Used to answer her phone with "what fresh hell is this?"

Got into an argument with a parent when I was a teacher...We were in the principal's office and I was being a smartass and he yells "f*ck you!" and my reply was calmly: "You'd never go back to women." He went speechless and stormed off. The principal - a very curvy and attractive blond - said "that was the best comeback I've ever heard from a straight man..."

 

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened in this oval office"

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream"

Both courtesty of the king of one liners, George W. Bush

 

I don't think this fits here, but lets make it fit! =P

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; show him how to catch fish, and you feed him for a lifetime."

and these jokes...

"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."

 

IMO, give a man a fish he will eat for a day, show a man how to fish, he will drink beer on a boat for a lifetime, lol

 

I'd agree! haha