Here's a couple:
Why don't witches wear underwear while the fly on there brooms?
Better grip.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks "do you get crap stuck in your fur?" "No" the rabbit replies, "why do you ask?" So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt.

 

A Texan is visiting Ireland on vacation and walks into a pub. He slaps $100 on the bar and challenges anybody to drink 10 Pints of Guiness in fifteen minutes. Paddy and his brother watch the shenanigans as nobody seems to take the bait. Finally Paddy gets up and leaves. Paddy returns 15 minutes later, walks up to the Texan and say "I'll take your bet" and proceeds to gulp down 10 pints in a row with a few minutes to spare. The Texan has no choice to give Paddy the $100 but wants to know where he went before he accepted the challenge. Paddy replied "I went down to Murphy's pub to see if I could do it".

 

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

 

How many emos does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and cry.

 

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."

*although hed a just got in more trouble for sayin me/my/I its still funny*

 

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, 4x4's, or have a lot of sex? '

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a s**t?

 

Q: how are hurricanes and women the same??



A: wet and wild when they come, but take the house and car with 'em when they leave!!



idk i thought it was pretty funny anyways when my buddy told me yesterday lol

 

Here's one. Told to me by an Aussie!

In these times of refugees & so on, Australia was also having it’s fair share with the “boat people” and prompted this joke which kinda symbolizes the relationship between the Aussies & Kiwi’s.

An Aussie & a kiwi were walking on Bondi beach when they came across a genies lamp. The aussie picked it up & said “This must be a magic lamp!” & proceeded to rub it. Out popped a genie.

“I am a genie & can grant 3 wishes – but since there are 2 of you it would be unfair to give one of you 2 wishes & the other only one. So I’ll grant one wish each, so, make it good”.
The Aussie says “With all these refugees, I’d like a high wall all around Australia to keep the buggars out – 100 foot high & 30 foot thick.”

BANG! The genie claps his hands & a wall appears.

Impressed, the Kiwi replies “Wow, 100 foot high?”
“Yea” says the genie.
“30 foot thick?”
“Yea” says the genie.
“Strong?”
“Yea” says the genie, “Very strong”.
The Kiwi says “Can you fill it with water?”

 

That's similar to this joke: CLICK

NWS

 

Are you a Democrat, Republican or an Texan?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge
knife comes around the corner & locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 caliber and are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do ?
.................................................. ..............

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN

Republican Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question !

Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

Could we run away ?

What does my wife think ?

What about the kids ?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand ?

What does the law say about this situation ?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it ?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message

does this send to society and to my children ?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing ME ?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me ?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me ?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted ?

We actually need to raise taxes, have a "paint and weed day" and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.

This is all so confusing ! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
.................................................. .............

Democrat's Answer:

BANG !
.................................................. ...............

Texan's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy ! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points ?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one ?"

Wife: "You're not taking THAT to the Taxidermist !"