got a good joke to share---post it here!
#261
07-01-2011, 09:47 PM
I still love this:
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
<sigh> Amen Cliff! lol
Not many cannot relate to that in one way or another.
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
<sigh> Amen Cliff! lol
Not many cannot relate to that in one way or another.
#262
07-17-2011, 08:30 PM
This one isn't so much a joke as a life observation.
Everything I need to know about being married I learned from birds
First the male finds a female, then he builds a nest,
and then he spends the rest of his life moving a twig or little blue string from one side to the other to keep her happy so he can make eggs with her.
I have a little one on the way and a 3 year old so here I am moving the furniture room to room and repainting.
no wonder painters tape is blue.
Everything I need to know about being married I learned from birds
First the male finds a female, then he builds a nest,
and then he spends the rest of his life moving a twig or little blue string from one side to the other to keep her happy so he can make eggs with her.
I have a little one on the way and a 3 year old so here I am moving the furniture room to room and repainting.
no wonder painters tape is blue.
#263
08-10-2011, 05:10 PM
The Sausage
Two guys want to go drinking, but they don't have enough money.
The first guy says to the other, how much money do you have?
The second guy says $2.
1st guy tells his buddy to go and buy a sausage and meet him at the bar.
2nd guy gets the sausage meets his friend and they begin drinking running up a tab.
2nd guy says how are we going to pay for this?
1st guy says put that sausage between your legs and I'll start sucking on it.
They do this and are thrown out of the bar without paying.
2nd guy says that worked like a charm lets hit another bar.
They repeat their routine at 6 more places with the same result.
Now drunk and tired they decide to call it a night.
1st guy says I'm kinda hungry give me that sausage so I can eat it.
2nd guy says what sausage I threw that away after the first bar.
The first guy says to the other, how much money do you have?
The second guy says $2.
1st guy tells his buddy to go and buy a sausage and meet him at the bar.
2nd guy gets the sausage meets his friend and they begin drinking running up a tab.
2nd guy says how are we going to pay for this?
1st guy says put that sausage between your legs and I'll start sucking on it.
They do this and are thrown out of the bar without paying.
2nd guy says that worked like a charm lets hit another bar.
They repeat their routine at 6 more places with the same result.
Now drunk and tired they decide to call it a night.
1st guy says I'm kinda hungry give me that sausage so I can eat it.
2nd guy says what sausage I threw that away after the first bar.
#264
08-10-2011, 05:47 PM
Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what **** was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!
D'OH!
D'OH!
#265
08-10-2011, 08:11 PM
Originally Posted by Rottidog
Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what **** was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!
D'OH!
D'OH!
omg hahah this made my day
#266
09-22-2011, 12:02 PM
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbour asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That’s easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, ’Of course I will’".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that’s what I MEANT to say. But what came
OUT was, ’Of course I do.’"
Another:
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbour asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That’s easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, ’Of course I will’".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that’s what I MEANT to say. But what came
OUT was, ’Of course I do.’"
Another:
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
#269
10-12-2011, 04:23 AM
A guy picks up a nun on the side of the road and says, "I've always fantisized about being with a nun." She asks him if he's catholic, he says yes. So he pulls off the road and goes behind a billboard and gets the best bj of his life. He says "Im sorry sister, I lied, Im not catholic." The nun says, "That's ok, I'm not really a nun, my name is Ralph and I'm on my way to a costume party."
#270
11-09-2011, 10:35 PM
Did y'all hear that the new ford trucks are getting taillight warmers?
Keeps your hands toasty while your pushing em.
Keeps your hands toasty while your pushing em.
