I know I probably sound like the ****tiest tech in the world to you right now, but I genuinely appreciate that you are the only one even attempting to help me.

I pretty much never ever use a test light, but I did today to check pulse after we spoke. Even with grounding the test light I could hear it lope trying to fire on the injector I was testing as I had it grounded.

I've spoken to my mentor who isn't your average mechanic, but a genius who only does consulting work for serious problems (like NASA, lol) and he has sent me "back to the basics." He is convinced I've overlooked something and he's making me start completely over, testing things in the order he's given me. I hope to have an update, because I didn't make any money today because I didn't fix it!

 

That's what I suggested in my last post... Back to basics.

Make sure you have fuel. (post #2)
Compression, (which you obviously have according to your last post)
And blue, not orange, spark at each plug and at the coil output.