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got a good joke to share---post it here!
It was mentioned *cough* Brent *cough* that a sticky should be made for jokes, so I made one. Post em up people.
Thread rules: -No dirty jokes as this a family friendly forum -No vulgarity - please replace some letters with *** -No racial jokes -Only funny jokes are allowed - j/k |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Definately... Keep those hundreds of joke posts from recurring.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to he door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."..... "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door"............. He does as he is told and is met by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"....... He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: (scroll down) GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER! [hr] This one may be pushing the boundary..... A calvery sargent was captured by the indians. The chief said, " I'll give you one last request before we burn you at the stake." The sargent said, " I'd like to speak to my horse". His wish granted, he whispered in the horses ear and the horse ran off. About and hour later, the horse showed up with a red headed saloon girl on his back. The sargent said, "I need to talk to my horse again". He again whipered in the horses ear. The horse ran off again. In about an hour he showed back up with a blonde saloon girl. The sargent said I need to talk to my horse again. He again whipered in the horses ear, and the horse ran off once more. In about an hour the horse showed back up, this time with a brunette saloon gir on his back. The sargent asked the chief if he could speek with his horse one more time. the chief said O.K. The sargent pulled the horses face down in front of him and said. "Read my lips, get me a P...O...S...S...E...Y!!!" |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
-- Indian Winter --
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy." [/align] |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Those are great jokes, Brent...made me laugh!
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
This one got me too! Don't know if its new or old, but it was new to me and yeah, this kinda pushes the line a bit...
On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura's feet were agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off. The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight." "There," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God, that was even tighter" "That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor." |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began with unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities such as: Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 and Golf 7.5 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please HELP!! Thanks, A Troubled User ---------- REPLY ---------- Dear Troubled User: This is a very, very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I also suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! It comes with several support programs, such as: Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs; improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend: Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and especially Diamonds 5.0 WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support [/align] |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Hahahhhhhha..
I lol'd at all of those! I like the wedding night and the wife 1.0 the best :D |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
LMAO!!!![sm=happybounce.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif] That is funny!!!!
Got a couple of Q&A jokes you may have heardsome of them. Some of them are silly. [hr] Q:How do you get a one armed Blonde out of a tree? A:You wave at her! [hr] Why do ducks have flat feet? From stamping out small grass fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? From stamping out flaming ducks!!! [hr] What do you call a 300 lb. Hawaiian? Anorexic!!! [hr] Heres a good oldie. Granny still tells this one. Aboy is setting on the curb in front of a church shakeing a small bottle ofPinee watching it fizz. A priest walks up and says "what do you have there son? the boy answers "father this is the most powerfullest liquid in the world" To this the preist replyed, "Is it holy water? For holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. If you place a drop of holy water on an expectant mothers belly she will pass a child. Theboy grins up at the preist."Father, thats nothin' this is Pinee, if you put a drop of this on a cats a$$ he'll pass a motorcycle" |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Who did they find in Jeffery Dahmer's freezer?
Ben & Jerry What did they find in his bathtub? Head & Shoulders How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog Why does Michael Jackson like K-Mart so much? Cause little boys pants are always half off |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Oldies but goodies....!
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the brick wall? A: Dam! Q: What did one hat say to the other hat? A: You stay here, I'm going on a head. |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
How does hitler tie his shoes?
In little NAZIS!! |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
[sm=groupwave.gif]HAHAHAHA!!!!
HOW DO YOU KEEP A MORON IN SUSPENSE?!?! (scroll down) . |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Ok here's my contribution.
Q: What's a priest's favorite type of meat? A: Nun |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Everyone has a preist joke, LOL
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower and stand on bath mat. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat. Dry off forearms and butt only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you. Have a great day! And, 'woo woo'!!! |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
ORIGINAL: Zasder Have a great day! And, 'woo woo'!!! |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
WOOOOOO WOOOOO:D
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
I got plenty more I could add, but then I might be banned. >.>
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
One boob said to the other:
"If we don't get some support around here we're going to go NUTS!!! |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Wahhhahahahahahah!!!![sm=funnypostabove.gif]
Got a couple of good camel jokes: While in Egypt, I came upon the opportunity to go for a week long camel ride. The guy at the "Rent a Camel" place told me not to forget to "Brick" the camel every 3 days. "What do you mean, "Brick" the camel?", I asked. He says, "when the camel is getting a drink of water, you smash his balls between two bricks, this causes him to inhale the water very deeply and thus fills both humps." "Well, doesn't this hurt?", I replied. He said, "no, not as long as you keep your fingers out from between the bricks." Three big burly stupidSudanese guys rode into Cairo one day on asingle cameland were giving the people of the city a hard time. As they rode out of town, word spread to the nearest village that the three men were coming. As they rode into the neighboring village, an old guy walked outside and shouted for everyone to hear"Looktheres the one camel with threea$$holes!!!". The three guys, not being very bright, jumped off the camel and promptly lifted the camel's tail an looked all over the camel's backside. "I only see one...." Heres a couple of jokes concerning monkeys in a bar: A guy walks intoa bar after a hard day at work. He orders a beer and listens to the saloon pianist playing a familiar tune. Suddenly, out of nowhere a monkey jumps off the piano, onto the bar. The patron isn't concerned with the monkey right away. He turns to stare at a pretty woman in the opposite corner. As soon as he turns back, he finds himself face-to-face with the monkey, who is standing over his mug of beer teabaggin it. The patron shoes the monkey away, the monkey returns to his seat upon the piano. The pissed-off patron promptly walks ove to the pianist and says "SIR!DO YOU KNOWYOUR MONKEY JUST DROPPED HIS GENITALS IN MY BEER?!?!?" To which the pianist replied, "No, but if you hum a few bars of it, I may can play it.":D A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
I can't stop laughing LOL!!!
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
A man goes to the doctor and says doc, i have a problem, but you have to promise not to laugh. the doctor says to the patient, i promis i wont laugh, im a profesional. The man says okay and drops his pants and underware. The doctor sees that he has the smallest .... he has ever seen, somewhere close to the size of a AA battery. the doctor fights to hold back his laughter but he cant, he bursts out laughing. he finally pulls himself together and says "im so sorry, that never happens, so what is the problem sir?" and the patient replies, "its swolen"
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and A 1 lb. Package of bacon. As the woman was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, she said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'[align=left] [/align] |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
[sm=funnypostabove.gif] wow, that is just great...
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
A guy went over to his aging parents house one afternoon and found his father sitting in a rocker in the front yard with no pants on. The guy says "Dad what are you doing sitting here with no pants in front yard?" the old man said "Yesterday I was sitting here with no shirt on and and my neck got stiff, this was your mothers idea."
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
why children shouldnt witness birth,,
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!" |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet Parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrives and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother" A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car... |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don'tsell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying thestuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any." "But, I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it" She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looksat it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud fromthe container .. "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM. |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. "Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers." The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!" The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall." Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake." The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!" The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!" "No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"[/align] |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Came across another good one:
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
^^^^^^[sm=icon_rofl.gif]
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
thats a god one brent, my family loved that one because we got a new alarm a few monthes ago and its been nothing but problems. i told them we should try your's
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Thanks. It was one of those e-mail jokes that come by every once in a while.
Here one I got at the turn of the year.... Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008 #10 Life is sexually transmitted. #9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #8 Men have two emotions:Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. #7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks. #6 Some people are like a Slinky . Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. #5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. #4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism. #3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? #2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The #1 Thought For 2008 : We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of IMMIGRATION and NATIONAL SECURITY! Confucious say: "Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow." |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Confucius say jokes-
• Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent • Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left • Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts • Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants • Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired • Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
I got a fortune cookie today at panda express and it reads:
You will be hungry in 1 hour!! I got to tell you that is the first time one of those cookies told the truth!!! LOL |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
haha, ain't that the truth.
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Confucious say...man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly fingers!
Confucious say...man who sit on top of mountain with mouth open waiting for roast duck to fly in mouth, wait long time! |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
LOL yea that fortune cookie told the truth!! I usually get ones that say" bad cookie no fortune try again" , that one weirded me out a little bit!!
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
First off, I apologize to any cops on here:D
NEVER SAY TO A COP 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK inTexas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" |
RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
Peep show:
[IMG]local://upfiles/5437/F7707D5ED9124E67847078881D83D669.jpg[/IMG] |
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