lol! loved both of the last ones,....hopefully the last one isnt a true story (although for someone out there im sure it is)

 

here's another one from my archives..............


Sharing of marriage................


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered --
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'THE TEETH.'

 

Hahaha. I couldn't even guess. I was wondering what the hell she was waiting for lol

 

A long time ago, there was a princess who had never cried. The king then put out a notice saying that anyone who could get her to cry would take her for his wife and inherit the entire kingdom. However, if he tried and failed, he would be exiled. Many knights and princes came from near and far, but none of them could get the princess to cry. One day, a peddler was walking near the walls of the castle pushing his cart, and decided to go give it a try because he had nothing to lose. Shockingly, the princess cried, and the peddler married her and became king. Someone asked how he managed to get her to cry. The new king looked up and replied......


*******wait for it*******




........"I made her chop an onion."

 

Haha. Oh man! I love onions lol but yup, they'll bring a tear to your eye lol

 

here ya go........



NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of sayingF--YOU!

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

and another.......

Larry.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....'


and lastly..........



THE LAW IS THE LAW!

I really love this one. This is one of the better e-mails I have received in a long time! I hope this makes its way around Canadaseveral times over!

So Be It!

THE LAW IS THE LAW …

So if the Canadiangovernment determines that it is against the law for the words'under God'to be on our money, then,so be it.

And if that same government decides that the'Ten Commandments' are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, 'so be it,' because I would like to be a law-abidingCanadiancitizen.

I say,'so be it,'because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.I would like to think that those people have the Canadian public's best interests at heart.


BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?
Since we can't pray to God,
Can't Trust in God and
Cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings,


I don't believe that the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmascelebrations which honor the God that
Our government is eliminating from many facets of Canadianlife.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving,and Easter.


After all, it's just another day.


I'd like the 'Canadian Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving, and Easter, as well as Sundays.'
After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Commons
To not have to worryabout getting home for the 'Christmas Break'.
After all, it's just another day.


I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved,
If all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday, and Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would bejust like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be'politically correct'.

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays
(initially set aside for worshipping God...)
Because, after all, our government says that it should be
Just another day.

What do you all think????
If this idea gets to enough people, may be our elected officials
Will stop giving in to the'minority opinions' and begin, once again, to represent the'MAJORITY' of ALL the Canadian people.


At the top, it says
'I hope this makes its way around CANADA & the USAseveral times over!!!!!'

Let's see that it does..


(feel free to copy and paste that last one into an email & share it with your friends)

 

those are some good stories you have there. i really enjoyed the Larry one

 

A few bar jokes...

A horse goes into a bar.
The barman says, "What's with the long face?"

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin and ....(several minutes later)... tonic please?"
The barman serves him and says "Sure, but why the big pause?"
The Polar Bear replies, "Don't know, I've always had them."

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman go into a bar.
The barman sighs and says, "Look, is this some sort of joke?"


one more..

There were two cannibals eating a clown and one says "Does this taste funny to you?"

oh and another..

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my Dad!"
The policeman asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

just one more..

Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the boat it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!

 

^^^ *groan*



and the hits just keep coming.

 

Aha i loved the clown one!