got a good joke to share---post it here!
BF Guru
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,143
From: GTA, Ontario, CANADA
got a couple here for ya.................
An Obituary printed in the London Times --- Interesting, and sadly, rather true...
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
...and not forgetting his bastard child 'Political Correctness'.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you
still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
and another,
A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it…'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?'.'What's so special about it?'
The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'.
The Scotsman smiles, taps his watch and says, ‘Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
An Obituary printed in the London Times --- Interesting, and sadly, rather true...
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
...and not forgetting his bastard child 'Political Correctness'.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you
still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
and another,
A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it…'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?'.'What's so special about it?'
The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'.
The Scotsman smiles, taps his watch and says, ‘Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
BF Guru
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,143
From: GTA, Ontario, CANADA
here's another (courtesy of Capt. Phil Harris of Deadliest Catch. RIP)
What's the difference between a Fairy Tale & a fisherman's tale?
a Fairy Tale always starts off with, "Once Upon A Time...............",
while a fisherman's tale always starts of with, "This is no Bull S**t story........"
What's the difference between a Fairy Tale & a fisherman's tale?
a Fairy Tale always starts off with, "Once Upon A Time...............",
while a fisherman's tale always starts of with, "This is no Bull S**t story........"
BF Guru
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,143
From: GTA, Ontario, CANADA
sorry Brad.
no, i was watching the 1 hour special on Discovery for Capt. Phil Harris
remember him? he was the Captain of the Cornelia Marie on Deadliest Catch (he passed away in February of this year).
but i was watching the shark series earlier this week. some of those attacks are down right nasty!!!
no, i was watching the 1 hour special on Discovery for Capt. Phil Harris
remember him? he was the Captain of the Cornelia Marie on Deadliest Catch (he passed away in February of this year).
but i was watching the shark series earlier this week. some of those attacks are down right nasty!!!
BF Guru
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,143
From: GTA, Ontario, CANADA
where da funk did you come up with that one?
you been drinkin' da Screech again, eh boy-o?!!
Super Member
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,639
From: South End Barrie, Ontario, Canada
My pops told me the first one (said thats how I cam along)
And, the second I heard from a very politically oriented guy at school. Who actually turned out to be a really cool guy. And used to drive a Blazer.
And, the second I heard from a very politically oriented guy at school. Who actually turned out to be a really cool guy. And used to drive a Blazer.
BF Guru
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,143
From: GTA, Ontario, CANADA
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa.......... Go home!'
Couple for ya...
A wife is wondering how she can surprise her husband, after a long day of work. She thinks about getting a tattoo, and decides on getting it.
Later that evening...
Husband : Honey, I'm home!
Wife : Hi honey!! I got a surprise for you! I got a tattoo!!
Husband : Oh yeah?! Let's see it!
Wife : It's a seashell on my inner thigh!
With a playful grin, she says "put your ear up to it, you might hear the ocean!"
The wife asks, "can you hear the ocean?"
The husband replies, "no.... but i can smell the fish!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Man walks into a bar, and sees a donkey with a sign on it's neck. The sign says make me laugh, drink for free. The guy asks the bar tender what it's all about. The bartender replies, "simple, make him laugh, you drink free all night." The guy says, "I'll give it a shot."
The guy walks over to the donkey, whispers in it's ear, and the donkey starts laughing hysterically!
Bartender asks him, "what did you say?: Guy replies, "don't worry, just get me a drink."
Next night at the same bar, the donkey is there again, this time with a sign that says make me cry, drink free all night.
The same guy walks in, and asks the bartender... "Same deal as last night?" Bartender replies, "yep, just make him cry".
Guy walks over to the donkey, puts his arm around it, and walks out back with it. One minute later they come back, donkey is in tears.
Bartender asks, "what did you tell him now??"
Guy says "Last night I told him I had a bigger pecker than him... Tonight I showed him.... Now get me my drink"
A wife is wondering how she can surprise her husband, after a long day of work. She thinks about getting a tattoo, and decides on getting it.
Later that evening...
Husband : Honey, I'm home!
Wife : Hi honey!! I got a surprise for you! I got a tattoo!!
Husband : Oh yeah?! Let's see it!
Wife : It's a seashell on my inner thigh!
With a playful grin, she says "put your ear up to it, you might hear the ocean!"
The wife asks, "can you hear the ocean?"
The husband replies, "no.... but i can smell the fish!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Man walks into a bar, and sees a donkey with a sign on it's neck. The sign says make me laugh, drink for free. The guy asks the bar tender what it's all about. The bartender replies, "simple, make him laugh, you drink free all night." The guy says, "I'll give it a shot."
The guy walks over to the donkey, whispers in it's ear, and the donkey starts laughing hysterically!
Bartender asks him, "what did you say?: Guy replies, "don't worry, just get me a drink."
Next night at the same bar, the donkey is there again, this time with a sign that says make me cry, drink free all night.
The same guy walks in, and asks the bartender... "Same deal as last night?" Bartender replies, "yep, just make him cry".
Guy walks over to the donkey, puts his arm around it, and walks out back with it. One minute later they come back, donkey is in tears.
Bartender asks, "what did you tell him now??"
Guy says "Last night I told him I had a bigger pecker than him... Tonight I showed him.... Now get me my drink"
BF Guru
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,143
From: GTA, Ontario, CANADA
those were pretty funny midnightmekanik.
got these from my Mother the other day. of course my wife thinks they're too true to be funny, but i disagree. well, with most of them anyways.
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
got these from my Mother the other day. of course my wife thinks they're too true to be funny, but i disagree. well, with most of them anyways.
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.